Splatoon HQ
by Josh Shrimp
Summary: A fictionalized version of the history of the creation of the Splatoon series. Involves an Outer god.
1. Getting Splarted

**I'm sure you're all familiar with a game called Splatoon. A strange game where squid people spray each other and the world around them in ink, as a form of sport. Now I bet you're wondering how such a crazy game got made. Well, I have no idea. But I like to think it went a little something like this.**

Somewhere in a small apartment, an ambitious game developer tries to think of an idea for his next great project.  
"Ugh, so bored. What's on TV?"

When suddenly a voice speaks to him from the darkness of his closet.  
"Nogami."  
"What? Am I hearing things?"  
"Hisashi Nogami."  
"W-Who's there?"

Laughter escaped the darkness with an ominous echo.  
"Ask and I shall reveal myself."

A monstrous shadow stepped into the light and towered over Nogami.  
"My name is Nyarlatho-"  
"I'll just call you Gills."  
"What? You find yourself faced with a giant mass of pulsating tentacles and the first name you come up with is "Gills"…"  
"Pretty good, right?"  
"Very well. Call me what you please. The important thing is, I'm here to recruit you, Nogami."  
"I already have a job, thanks."  
"This isn't a job interview. I'm here to recruit you as a minion of the subtle madness that corrupts humanity."  
"What happens if I refuse? Will you show me some kind horrific vision?"  
"No, I'll burn your apartment down."  
"Curse you, foul monster!"

But Nogami's fury subsided with a thought.  
"Wait. I'm just a game designer. What could you need me for?"  
"Isn't that obvious?"

Nogami shook his head.  
The old one pointed his hand grandly.  
"YOU will create a game that promotes the greatness of the tentacle to the whole world."  
"Tentacle?! Who the hell would play that?!"  
"That's your problem now."  
"And I guess I really don't have a choice, huh?"  
"Of course not."

Nogami smiled weakly.  
"Then I guess I'm your man."  
"Good, now present the proposal to your superiors, immediately."  
"Immediately? Like immediately immediately?"  
"Yes."  
"But my favorite shows starts in like 20 minutes."  
"I'll smash your TV right now!"  
"You have no mercy, wicked beast!"

 ***8 minutes later in a private meeting with the president of Nintendo.***

"So the only idea you have is that it's a game that has tentacles and appeals to all ages?"  
Nogami sweat nervously.  
"Uh, that's about right."  
"… Approved."  
"Really?!"  
"Sure, kids love tentacles."

Thus the game that would be called Splatoon had made its first major step. But there was still much dark work to be done.


	2. A Sploondid Idea

Nogami started his day (Late in the afternoon) staring nauseously at a blank sheet of ideas that he had no idea how to fill.

Suddenly he heard someone open his front door. Thankful for a distraction, he ran over to check knowing the uninvited guest could only be one person.  
Instead of a familiar blob of tentacles, Nogami came face to face with a handsome young stranger.  
"Who the hell are you?"

The young man put his bags down with a sigh.  
"It is I, fool."  
And he exploded into a tangled mess of black appendages.

Nogami covered his mouth in disgust.  
"Ugh! Gills, I didn't need to see that. You can turn into a human?"  
"I have many forms. That one suited the task best."  
"What the heck does that mean? Where have you been? We're supposed to be working on this game together."  
"Hmph. If you must know, I was out buying 70ibs of squid to help you draft ideas for the game."  
"Oh, than- Wait! How the hell would that help?!"  
"Less talking, more writing, scum."

Gills took a seat after spreading a thick layer of squid across the kitchen counter.  
"So, what have you come up with so far?"

Nogami clenched his teeth and whined.  
"Nnnnn, nothing! What kind of game could I make about tentacles? The only thing that really comes to mind is that it's underwater, and that's so obvious it's not even worth writing down."

Gills made a disgusted expression.  
"The water? As in the ocean?  
"Well, duh. That's where squids and octopuses and anything else with a tentacle lives."  
"Yeah, I don't like the water. Pick something else."  
"Where else would something with tentacles live?"  
"What about me? I live on land. The ocean's so dirty and wet. Why would anyone want to be there?"  
"You want me to make a game about a bunch of squids on land?"  
"Does it have to be squids?"  
"You're the one that bought 70ibs of squids!"  
"That was for inspiration, fool!"

Nogami rubbed his eyes stressfully.  
"What do you want exactly? Do you want the game to be about you?"  
"Hmph. Well if you think such an idea could work, then we may as well give it a try."  
"… We're going with dry squids then."  
"Hey!"  
"Hmm?"  
"Nrrg… Nothing."  
"Great."


	3. Splooniversal Soldier

Nogami was sitting at his desk, being surprisingly productive for once.  
Gills peaked over his shoulder to see what he'd been working on. The heading said "Squid Village" and depicted several cute little squid doodles happily running a city together.

Gills furrowed his nonexistent brow.  
"What the hell is this?"

Nogami scoffed.  
"What's it look like? It's concept art of our game. I'm pretty proud of this one."  
"What are they doing? Why are they smiling so much?"  
"Well our hero, Squiddo, is bringing a cake to Miss Squid for her birthday."  
"This is bullshit!"  
"What?!"  
"What's with all this friendly crap?! It's a mockery to the tentacle! Who would want to play such a boring village-life game like this?"  
"Hey, Animal Crossing is a big hit."  
"So it's just Animal Crossing?!"

Nogami turned around in his chair.  
"Tsk. What else do you expect me do with an idea like squids on land?"  
"These tentacle beasts should be sowing discord among humanity."  
"Squids aren't really known for doing that."  
"I don't care. I won't settle for anything less than a game that includes the complete annihilation of mankind."  
"How the hell does a game like that appeal to all ages?!"  
"Figure it out, fool. These creatures should be locked in eternal strife. Peace would not please the tentacle."  
"So you want enemies to fight? Like what?"  
"Humans."  
"They're not fighting humans! How about something that's the squids natural enemy, like whales or something?"

Gills considered the idea thoughtfully.  
"Hmm. No. Not enough tentacles. Do octos."  
"Octos? What, octogons?"  
"Why would squids be fighting a bunch of octogons?!"  
"…I'd play it."  
"Octos is obviously short for octopi."  
"It's actually octopuses, not octopi."  
"Don't correct me, mortal!"  
"So you want a game about a bunch of squids and octopuses fist fighting each other."  
"Ha, who's stupid now? Squids and octopi don't have fists."  
"I… Not really what I was getting at. How should they fight each other?"  
"Squids and octopi have many weapons. Like tentacles."  
"I know about the tentacles."  
"Or beaks, or… or ink!"  
"Which one made ink, again?"  
"They both do, you fat idiot!"  
"Okay. Okay. So a game about squids and octopuses spraying ink all over each other?"  
"To the death."

Nogami rubbed at his temples.  
"Don't you think you're asking for a bit much?! Squids just squirting ink everywhere. It's gross. No one wants to see that."  
"Then what do you suggest?"  
"Umm… I don't- What about guns? Yeah, guns would work."  
"Guns that shoot ink?"  
"Sure, perfect."  
"But tentacles can't hold guns. I've tried."  
"Then what if our characters were anthropomorphic? You know, human-looking."

Gills grabbed Nogami by the skull and pinned him to the wall.  
"Are you mocking me, mortal? This game is not for the glory of humans."  
"Wait, wait. You don't understand. They'll have a few squid features."

Gills gripped Nogami's face harder.  
Nogami cried.  
"Oww Owww Owwwww! Come on, wait. I have an idea. What if they can transform?"  
"Transform?"  
"Yeah, like, uh, like you do."

Gills dropped Nogami.  
"I'm listening."  
"What if the human form is just temporary? Just for when they're holding their guns. But the rest of the time, they're really squids."  
"Hmm. Squids with a grocery form, but for holding guns instead of groceries. An interesting idea."  
"You like it?"  
"Yes. Just enough to not kill you immediately."  
"Heheh…Great… So it's settled. Squid Village is a shooter game. Great..."


End file.
